A Funny Game of Cards
by DigiPuppy
Summary: Four individuals in Frieza's army get together for a game of cards one night. They get a little bit tipsy during the game and start telling stories that should probably have been kept secret.


A Funny Game of Cards  
  
Disclaimer" I do not own Dragonball Z or it's characters. That should be enough. I really hate disclaimers can't you tell ~_~.  
  
*****  
  
One night at Base F11, four individuals trying to relieve the doldrums of guarding the base were engrossed in a game of cards. They weren't exactly friends but they all shared something in common they served in Frieza's army. They were stationed there two weeks ago and no one really knew why. Rumors had it that Frieza himself was taking a vacation and didn't want anyone to know so he sent most of his army to this insignificant place.  
  
The days had been long for the four and without entertainment the nights seem longer. So the four begrudgingly agreed with each other to join in a game of cards. The promise of taking each other's money, humiliating one another and pretty much a night of drinking is what lured them in.  
  
"I don't know how much more of this boredom I can take." Said Jeice shuffling the deck.  
  
"Yeah why are we here again Zarbon? Is guarding this rat hole that important?" asked Captain Ginyu who was quite peeved at having his force treated like common guards.  
  
"Because we are ordered here." Zarbon said rolling his eyes tired of being thought of as the man who knew it all about Frieza.  
  
"So what your saying is that YOU don't even know, what's the matter out of the loop? " smirked Raditz who had no idea why he even joined them and was starting to regret it. 'I must have been out of my mind' he thought.  
  
Zarbon glared at him, and then looked at Ginyu. " And why is he here again?"  
  
" He is here because the rest of the force were busy tonight and we need a fourth player."  
  
"I think I would rather have invited the man-eating sludge that surrounds this base," he said  
  
"I love you too Zarbon" Raditz said with the famous Saiyan smirk.  
  
"Hey look we are here to play cards so lets play." Jeice said dealing out the cards. He was in good spirits just to have something to do.  
  
"So how come Jeice is here?" Zarbon asked as he looked at his cards.  
  
"Because he is, geez what's with all the questions Z?" Ginyu said glaring at Zarbon.  
  
"Just making conversation." Zarbon said defensively. He didn't really socialize with many people in the army. He was trained on how deal with formal affair not this.  
  
"So that's what you call it," Raditz said. "And here I thought you were just talking to hear yourself talk again."  
  
Zarbon this time just chose to ignore the longhaired Saiyan.  
  
After thirty minutes of cards it was clear that Jeice was winning more than the other three. So they decided that if they were going to loose their money tonight they would do it drunk. They each had a bottle of something and soon let the drinks flow.  
  
Three hours later four moderately drunk men looked at their cards not being able to concentrate on them much and the game had slowed down quite a bit. They hadn't drunk enough to be considered "sloppy", but it was enough to throw caution to the wind and their conversation showed it.  
  
"Hey Cap..." Jeice said as he tried to make out the number on his card as a 3 or an 8.  
  
"Yes Jeice?" Ginyu said peeping over his cards.  
  
"What's the funniest thing you have ever seen since being with Frieza?" Jeice blurted out.  
  
"Huh? Uh...well I have been here a very long time let me think." He was in a little shock at the question so he sat back and pondered it. Raditz with his arms crossed was the only one that didn't look interested.  
  
"Well one time, not to long ago I was heading towards Berata 7." Ginyu began.  
  
"Yeah I remember when you went there. Something about a disturbance wasn't it?" Jeice said.  
  
"Oh it was a disturbance all right." Ginyu said chuckling at the memory.  
  
Raditz set his cards face down and started paying closer attention. This sounded like it was going to be good.  
  
"When I got there I found out Dodoria was there."  
  
"That in itself is disturbing," muttered Zarbon. Raditz couldn't help but chuckle at the comment.  
  
"Well it seems Dodoria had found a certain love for something importated from across the galaxy called espresso."  
  
"Never heard of it." Raditz said while the others agreed.  
  
"Well neither had I but it seems that this stuff is a stimulant and the poor magistrate there said that the fool had at least 5 pots of it. So I went to go find the guy and when I did, he was standing in the middle of the town stark naked jumping up and down on one foot counting, one thousand fifty- four, one thousand fifty- five."  
  
The others all looked horrified and Ginyu said, " Just wait it gets better. I didn't get to close to him or look at him because when I first saw him I saw that as he jumped other things were bouncing around if you know what I mean."  
  
"Ew mental picture" said a shuddering Zarbon.  
  
"Exactly Z, so I asked him what in the world do you think you are doing. He said and I quote, IamtryingtoseeifoneofmylegswillactuallygrowbiggerthantheotheroneifIkeepbouci ngonitforaveryverylongtimesofarthoughithasn'tworked."  
  
"Huh?" Jeice asked his captain.  
  
"Yeah that's pretty much what I said so he stops bouncing for a moment when I asked him to repeat himself a little slower he just looked at me like he had never seen me before."  
  
"Okay" said Zarbon a little bit horrified.  
  
"Then he starts spazzing saying that he could out pose me any day and the next thing I knew a very naked Dodoria was gathering people off the street to try and have a pose off competition. The whole time mind you he was speaking so fast that nobody had any idea on what he was saying and he was shaking so hard that he was spastic."  
  
"Ew another mental picture thanks a lot," Zarbon says.  
  
"Hehe any day Z, anyway believe it or not he got some judges, I think they were just scared of him. Now I was not about to have a pose off with him, I didn't even want to be seen with him. I told him this and he said he didn't care and started posing anyway. I mean he was jumping around and shaking and trying to do this turn and that turn. I finally got tired of it and blasted the hell out of him, ya know just to knock him out."  
  
" I take it, it didn't." Jeice said.  
  
" No actually he just turned and looked at me with this really silly grin and started doing jumping jacks and singing. So I had no choice I called the city's militia and had them tie him up. I then put him in his pod and we came back home. Now mind you I figured he would have eventually passed out it was a 5-day trip. Nope not him he was up on the COM link between our pods singing the entire blasted way home. When we got home he ran out of the pod as fast as he could and right smack dab into King Kold."  
  
Raditz smirked, " Oh I am sure that he just loved that."  
  
"Hehe yeah Raditz especially when he told the king that he was his long lost son and he wanted a pony."  
  
All three of them bust out laughing.  
  
"Dodoria was in the rejuvenation tanks for three days after the Kold was done with him. That in itself was bad enough but because Kold laid into Freiza after he was done with Dodoria Frieza put him in the tanks for another two days once he got out."  
  
Now all of them were laughing pretty hard at this, well except for Zarbon who's eyes were twitching because he couldn't get the picture of a naked Dodoria out of his head.  
  
Ginyu turned to Jeice. "What about you kid?"  
  
Jeice wiping tears from his eyes. "What do mean what about me?"  
  
"What's the funniest thing that has happened to you since you've been here."  
  
"Hmm let me think..." He said tapping his fingers on the table.  
  
After five minutes Raditz growled at the tapping that was getting him annoyed. Which of course made Jeice tap them that much faster until Ginyu slammed his hand down on his. Jeice quickly drew his hand away from the table and cradled to him. After a few minutes Jeice was able to continue.  
  
" Okay well this has got to be the funniest so far," Jeice said leaning back in his chair and propping his feet on the table."  
  
"Captain remember when we all went to Vesta for the weekend?"  
  
"How could I forget we had a lot of fun that weekend, well at least I did." Ginyu said with his eyes glazed over.  
  
"Well so did Guldo." Jeice said grinning.  
  
"Guldo?" Raditz asked raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Hehe okay here is how it happened. Burter and I were checking out the place, and you know that cute female collection they have there. And Guldo decides to tag along for whatever reason. Normally he just hangs out at the gambling dens and such but he decided he wanted something different."  
  
"You took Guldo to a brothel?" Captain Ginyu asked eyes wide, as far as he knew Guldo didn't even know what sex was.  
  
"Oh yeah not only did we take him to a brothel but to the most exclusive one on the planet." Jeice said winking.  
  
"Okay" Zarbon said wondering where this was going.  
  
"Well we get there and you know the girls are like all around us and all, I mean who wouldn't be. Not only are we Ginyu Force but look at me!" Jeice said motioning to his face.  
  
Ginyu reaches over and pats Jeice on top of the head and turns to Zarbon, "Don't mind the ego, the kid really is okay at times."  
  
Jeice glared at him for a minute and then continued on with the story. "Well poor Guldo was totally out of his element." Jeice stopped and thought for a moment than continued, " I mean I don't even know if the guy knew what element he was in. So anyway one of the girls takes a special interest in him."  
  
"That is just so wrong in so many ways," Raditz said.  
  
Jeice nodded in agreement to Raditz and continued. "So I see the girl right and knew this was going to be hilarious so we just stood back and watched. The girl was dressed all in leather and crap with a collar on her neck. She had a whip on her belt; you know one of those dominatrix types."  
  
"Oh yeah" both Zarbon and Raditz say together with a huge smile.  
  
Ginyu just looks at them warily and Jeice sweat drops.  
  
"Continue..." Ginyu prodded.  
  
"Well anyway she walks up to Guldo and starts looking him over. Now I have known girls like her," both Zarbon and Raditz are shaking their heads emphatically " and they aren't my style. But she was a knock out I mean sweeeet."  
  
Ginyu smiled at Jeice, the boy definitely had style even if he lacked common sense sometimes.  
  
"So anyway Guldo, who knows that Burter and I despise his tagging along decides that he was going to show us that he can do just as well. I was like more power to ya and we stood by to let him have his/our fun. The girl was rubbing the top of his head and whispering in his ears and such. I didn't know someone that green could blush. "  
  
"Okay what is it with you two and the mental pictures ew" Zarbon said.  
  
"And what is it with you and the word ew?" Raditz says with and eyebrow cocked.  
  
Zarbon silently counts backwards from 10 and chose to ignore him for the moment...again.  
  
Jeice looked back and forth between the two to make sure they were finished before he continued. "Just wait Z boss man. So the woman takes him to one of the rooms and I admit Burter and I were quite surprised by this. So we thought nothing more of it and picked a couple cute ones each and headed our separate ways. Well the next morning I was in grand spirits. Trust me if you ever go there ask for Shan and Gris, it's worth your while."  
  
Jeice got a small gleam in his eyes for a moment as he remembered that night. "Um back to the story Jeice," Raditz said.  
  
"Oh, oh yeah hehe. So anyway the next morning Burter and I waited and waited on Guldo. After awhile we got kind of worried about him. I was also a little freaked because we had to get back to the ship very soon per Frieza's orders so we decided to look for him. We got to the room that he had shared with the girl last night and knocked. There was no sound so we decided what the heck to go in and wake him up ourselves Ginyu style."  
  
Jeice started laughing at the next thought. "Well we open up the door and were in complete shock. There Guldo was tied up on some contraption hanging upside down completely naked."  
  
"Not again with the visuals, " Zarbon muttered as he dropped his head into his hands.  
  
"The poor guy looked downright scared out of his mind. His roommate had fallen asleep on the floor underneath him with whip still in hand. He was squirming and muttering but he had this ball thing in his mouth so he couldn't scream out. Well the girl woke up and saw us standing there gawking and the situation, so she gets up and goes over to him. She asks him if he has been a good little boy and if so she will let down, if not then we will have to leave and she would have to punish again. Well I almost said something because we had to go but Guldo started nodding his head and she let him down. As soon as he got free he gave the two of us, which by that time we were laughing our asses off, a look to die grabbed his clothes and was off in a flash to get back home. Needless to say he never went with us again."  
  
Everyone was laughing hysterically. "Your telling me Guldo got himself into a little S&M" Ginyu asked.  
  
"Yeah I think that's the last time too." Jeice said smiling.  
  
"Hey Jeice what was that girls name again?" Zarbon asked  
  
"Which one?"  
  
"The dominatrix lady." Raditz answered for him.  
  
"Um Tresan I believe." He said trying to remember what Guldo had said about her.  
  
Both Raditz and Zarbon grabbed a pen and paper and quickly scratched a note. Zarbon seeing this glared at the sayain muttering that he just might have to make sure that the saiyans were clearing some planets across the galaxy for the next few months.  
  
Ginyu and Jeice just looked at each other like the two had gone out of their minds.  
  
"What about you Raditz? Certainly you saiyans have some stories to share" Ginyu asked.  
  
Raditz looked at Ginyu, "Well the funniest story I have, I don't know if I should tell you."  
  
"Oh and why is that?" Zarbon asked.  
  
"Because Vegeta might very well kill me."  
  
"Oh now you really have to tell." Jeice said sitting up with his arm crossed on the table with his chin laying on them.  
  
"Okay but if I die it's on your heads."  
  
"Yes that would be awful wouldn't it." Zarbon said, "Poor Teran might just have to take my mind off such troubling matters."  
  
Ginyu looked at Zarbon as though he turned into Frieza himself and Raditz just said,"Man your even starting to creep ME out."  
  
"Come on Rad, on with the story" Jeice said wanting to hear what happened to everyone's favorite prince.  
  
"Well it happened one day that Frieza had this strange request to got to planet Dagen and bring back several Proffs. These are these little creatures with big back legs and long ears and beaks. They are very quick and nimble creatures."  
  
"Yes I remember he wanted them for one of his families birthdays or something." Zarbon said.  
  
Raditz paused for a moment and gave him a funny look. "Uh huh, so anyway he decides to send Vegeta, Nappa and I to get these things. Vegeta was of course furious at such a degrading assignment"  
  
"When isn't he furious about something though" Jeice said  
  
"Good point, well we get there and we know we have to do this, Frieza said bring back one for each of us or die pretty much. You know how he usually requests stuff. So we get there and we split up each one of us taking our own way of doing things. I set a trap and capture the stupid creature pretty quickly and put the thing in a box in one of our pods. Nappa, after killing five of them finally gets one and puts it in his, so we decided to help Vegeta who was still pretty much pouting about the whole ordeal."  
  
"When doesn't he pout," Jeice pointed out again. Raditz, Zarbon and Ginyu nodded their head at this.  
  
"So he is determined that he is going to do this on his own. He doesn't want Nappa or I to help so we have to sit and watch. Well he spies a little white one and announces to the thing that it has the privilege to be captured by the prince of all Sayains and it should just surrender now. It wasn't until later that we found out that Nitrous Oxide had somehow seeped into his pod during flight. Don't ask me how, it just did."  
  
"Nitrous Oxide?" Jeice asked looking at Ginyu.  
  
Ginyu who was already grinning madly at where this story was going answered him, "Laughing gas"  
  
"Ohhhhhhhh hehehe, continue, continue" Jeice said really excited.  
  
"Like I said we had no idea about the gas so when he announced that thing should surrender to him Nappa and I were pretty well in shock. Well of course knowing Vegeta he had to pick one of the fastest ones on the world. When he approached the thing he said, come on pretty little proff, we need to goes home now. You will have such a pretty little home. Now those things have about as much intelligence as animal crackers so it just cocked it's head to the side and looked at him for a moment before taking off. That just would not do, and the prince knew he couldn't kill the rodent so he started to chase. Saying the whole time come back little white Proff, I won't hurt you I promise. He then turns as he runs by us and sees Nappa and shouts, I will protect you from the big bad man I promise."  
  
Zarbon was starting to laugh already very hard.  
  
"The thing first went into a hole, well Vegeta said come back don't go and blasted the hole. The Proff actually survived and took off. We tried to get Vegeta to get one of the stunned, not dead ones, but stunned from the hole. But he was stubborn and went after the large white one. He followed the thing through a log down into a river. The whole time shouting that it if it came back that he would love it and take care of it and that he just wanted to pet it. Finally he got it cornered and it shook all over from fear. So Vegeta stands there looking like he is about ready to shout for joy and starts to walk forward saying how happy he was. The thing got so frightened by Vegeta that all of a sudden it fell over dead. Vegeta, looked like he was about ready to cry, went over to the thing, picked it up and brought it back to me. He thrust in my face and said it's dead I want it alive."  
  
" Hehe I wish this was on video." Ginyu said.  
  
"So do all of us," Zarbon agreed.  
  
Raditz chuckled then continued. "Well what was I supposed to do, I mean what do I look like a frigging healer, so I told him I couldn't. So he drops the things and started stomping on it and kicking it around. I asked what he was doing with the now bloody mess. He said all it needed was to be kicked started. At this Nappa actually fell down. I had no idea what was wrong with him so I gabbed one of the stunned ones and gave it to Vegeta who immediately started and hugging and kissing the creature. He wouldn't even allow us to put it in a box he was to worried that it would get hurt. We finally got the things back to Frieza and put Vegeta in the medical bay.  
  
Zarbon was laughing so hard that he was clutching the table so he wouldn't fall over, Jeice had his head buried into his arms laughing while Ginyu was now sitting on the floor laughing so hard he was crying. At the site of Ginyu even Raditz chuckled.  
  
"Well what about you Zarbon, a man in your position surely has some kind of tale." Raditz said grinning.  
  
Zarbon caught his breath and said, "actually I do."  
  
As soon as Ginyu composed himself and got back up in the chair Zarbon proceeded.  
  
"Do you guys remember a few years back when we held that celebration out by the Ghat system."  
  
"Who couldn't that was one hell of a party," Jeice said remembering. Raditz and Ginyu nodded.  
  
Zarbon stopped and looked at Raditz and grinned. "Don't feel bad Raditz I will probably also get killed for this story myself."  
  
Raditz just raised and eyebrow towards Zarbon. ' This should be interesting, the drinks must have really gotten to him to loosen him up like this, Raditz thought to himself.  
  
"Well I had been mingling with a few of the guest and was preparing for the night when I noticed something odd. Frieza who was now in his fourth form, was standing in front of one the large windows in the ship. I decided to see what was up figuring there was a problem."  
  
Raditz immediately started making kissing noises while Jeice tried to stifle a giggle. Zarbon just glared at the two and continued.  
  
"Well when I got over there and I noticed that he had a hold of the table next to him as if it was supporting him. First instinct was that he was sick or hurt but when I got closer you could tell that it was far from that. It seemed that Frieza had partied a little to hard that night and for better lack of words was piss drunk. Now in all my years I've only seen him drunk two maybe three times. So I was pretty stunned."  
  
"Yeah Frieza usually doesn't' get drunk like that, that's weird." Ginyu said.  
  
"Yeah that's what I pretty much thought and asked him about it. He just said that every so often it just feels good to drink a little more than usual. Well from the way he was talking and walking I would say he drank a whole lot more than usual. So then he asks me if I can see the planet out there. I said yes of course and he said that the planet was an enemy that needed to be taken care of."  
  
"Huh?" Raditz said.  
  
"That's what I said so I asked him to further explain but instead he turned on his heels and headed for the small air lock that he uses to step just outside of the ship. As we walked he explained that he knew that the planet was getting ready to attack him so he transformed to show it that it couldn't stand within his way. But the planet didn't run away or cower it just defied him so now he had to teach it a lesson."  
  
"I wish I could have seen this," Raditz says.  
  
"You and me both" Jeice said grinning.  
  
"So we get out to the small deck outside the ship and he stares down this planet and tells me see how it doesn't cower I need to teach it a lesson. So he points a couple a fingers at it and energy starts to build on them. Now bare in mind that I am watching the most feared person in the galaxy do this and I was completely in shock. As the fingers start to glow all of a sudden he must have got an itch and decided to scratch it right behind his ear."  
  
"Doh!" Jeice said.  
  
"You can say that again, he jumped around all of a sudden and told me the planet had attacked him and showed me the scorch mark on his head. I didn't know what to say, how do you tell him that he was stupid enough to burn his own head, I certainly wasn't going to do it so I just tried to glare at the planet for him which wasn't easy as I was trying not to laugh. As I was watching the planet waiting for it to explode so I could go back in I noticed movement beside me."  
  
At this point now Zarbon is laughing trying to continue the story. "Now picture this, Frieza, feared lord and ruler of the universe, the greatest power ever, shaking his hand back and forth and quickly as possible. He would then point to the planet look confused then bring his hand back to his face and he would inspect it then shake it again and starting all over. This went on several times. Before I was finally able to ask him what in the world was he doing."  
  
"He then looked at me like he wanted to cry or something and told me that the planet took his powers away and that he didn't know what happened. He then looked me over and asked to borrow some energy"  
  
"Eh?" Asked Ginyu.  
  
"Well I didn't understand at first so I just looked at him. He quickly grew impatient and told me to form a ki ball. So I did and he took control of it threw it at the planet. But since I had made a weak ki ball not knowing what he wanted done with it got about 10 feet away and it dissipated. He gave me a severe looked and asked me if I was conspiring with the planet against him. Of course that look always got me spooked so I said of course not and to show him I blew up the planet for him quickly. He just sat there and blinked and then started to say, you know I am going to miss that little planet. It was a good little planet; I wonder where it went wrong. What did I do wrong Zarbon to raise such an insolent little planet. He turned around and we went back inside where he told me that he was going to bed and he sure hoped the other little planets behaved themselves because if not he was going to send me out to destroy each and every one of them. He then walked three steps and passed out. I quickly called some servants who took him off to bed and the next day he kept trying to figure out what happened to the planet that he was going to sell the next day."  
  
By this time all four of them were on the floor laughing as hard as they could. They heard the door open to see the rest of the Ginyu force looking at them as if they had gone nuts.  
  
"Well I think it's about time for us to retire don't you think, " Zarbon said brushing himself off.  
  
"Yes definatly" Raditz agreed while Jeice was helping Ginyu up.  
  
"Hey Saiyan" Zarbon said.  
  
"Yeah blue boy?" he answered back.  
  
Same time next week  
  
"Sure why not."  
  
"What about you two?"  
  
"I'm in" Jeice said  
  
"Wouldn't miss it Z," Ginyu said.  
  
They rest of the force decided they had seen enough and turned around to go to bed, as did the four card players.  
  
********The end**********  
  
Thanks for reading ! 


End file.
